


kindly refrain from dating

by terribledorkness



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F, MILFs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-12-02 07:16:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11504388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/terribledorkness/pseuds/terribledorkness
Summary: After hearing what his friends all think of his mother, Henry decides to go to the extremes in order to protect Regina from all the eligible men in Storybrooke. However, he isn’t aware that Regina’s already taken….SWANQUEEN, MILF AU.





	kindly refrain from dating

Henry comes home, one day, and won’t look at her. He slams the door shut, and he’s a bit early, which Regina wasn’t expecting, because usually he hangs out with some friends after school. 

 

Regina is hurriedly tying on an apron when he arrives, and hastily walks over to him. “How was school today? I made some cookies.” 

 

Henry just nods. “Thanks.” He says dully, and doesn’t move from where he’s staring absently at the wall. 

 

It’s odd, because Regina’s made his  _ favorite  _ chocolate cinnamon cookies, which he gets a total of  _ never  _ because teeth are important- but he ignores them, and instead turns a slow, purple color, and begins to look slightly constipated. 

 

“Henry?” Regina asks, slightly bewildered as he gives her the most pained and despairing look. “What’s wrong?” 

 

Her stomach begins to  whirl with the anxiety that comes with living in Storybrooke and being part of the ‘good’ team. Henry’s expression is one that immediately has her conjure up worst case scenarios- there’s been an accident, Snow’s injured, David’s gone and done something stupid again, Baby Neal has choked on Snow’s lasagne (the baby could eat anything including that terrible stuff)- 

 

“What’s wrong?” Henry suddenly shrieks. “I’ll tell you- I’ll tell you what’s wrong- just- I can’t do this-” He shakes his head. “Mom, Nick is never coming back to this house, ever again. Or Charlie. Or Jonas. None of them. In fact, I think we should have a ban on males in this house? So only me allowed in, Mom. No other men. None. Nada.” 

  
“What about your grandfather?” Regina asks, raising an eyebrow. She’s relieved, however, because now was a very...inopportune time to start fighting evil. Henry’s boyish freak outs about whatever this was is something she can deal with. Especially since his no men rule wouldn’t affect the one person she really wants to see. 

 

“Not him!” Henry cries out. “He isn’t allowed either! I said no men, Mom.” 

 

“Henry is this some sort of late reaction to me dating Robin those few months-” 

 

“No.” Henry says, and sulks around the kitchen table to where the chocolate chip cookies are. Grabbing one, he stuffs it violently in his mouth, ripping off a bite and then pointing the rest of the cookie at her. “No. Men. Mom.” 

 

“Okay?” Regina agrees, trying to hide her curious amusement. “Henry, what is this about?” 

 

The brown haired boy just glares at her. “You know, this is all your fault.” 

 

“How is this my fault?” Regina says, taken aback at her son’s sudden attack. No men? How was it her fault that she was a woman and that she had  _ needs,  _ and  _ sometimes,  _ men were the answer to that? Well, obviously now men weren’t the answer to that- 

 

“Because  _ of course  _ I end up with an  _ Evil Queen  _ for a mother, not a nun!” Her son’s brown eyes are wide, and the rest of his cookie is slowly crumbling to pieces in his hand. “Naturally I hit the jackpot!” 

 

“Henry!” Regina gasps, and his words strike a cord in her heart. How were men and the Evil Queen rela-  _ ohhhhhh.  _

 

“I can’t talk about this.” Henry sniffs, and starts piling cookies into his arms, Regina slightly distracted by the possible scenarios in which her son could be affected by her past. There were two definite ones that involved men, that Regina was sure of. 

 

Regina shakes herself out of her reverie. “Henry, just tell me what this is about.” 

 

He glares at her, arms piled high with freshly baked biscuits. “It’s much too scarring for me to- to-  _ say out loud.”  _ Henry whispers with a tortured expression. “The words I heard today can never be repeated.” Then he marches out of the room with a strangled cry, and a few seconds later Regina hears his door slam upstairs. 

 

Sighing, Regina rubs her forehead with her hand. “Men.” She grumbles. “What does he have against men?  _ He’s  _ a man, for god’s sake.” 

 

“Who knows? But he’s certainly got your flair for the dramatics.” A voice muses from the pantry, and Regina sighs as arms wrap around her. Leaning her head against the shoulder that braces her from behind, she eyes the door where Henry had left from, quizzically. 

 

“I always do know how to make an exit.” Regina replies with a chuckle. Then, she frowns.      “We were going to tell him today.” She says with a slight whine. “I hate hiding this from him.” 

 

Emma kisses her, right on her neck, making her shiver slightly. “Well, judging from from his extreme reaction just now, I suggest we hold off.” 

 

“Okay.” The brunette agrees with a sigh. “Oh, and by the way, don’t think I didn’t hear you nibbling on a cookie while you were hiding in the pantry.” She says, and turns round to face Emma. 

 

Emma just flashes a grin, and kisses her squarely on the lips. “I didn’t get to finish the other meal I’d started, so I’d say this is fair.” 

 

Regina taps Emma on the arm with an exasperated, yet fond look. “I can only think of two things that would incur such a violent reaction- and the scenario that I’m leaning towards might be rather damaging for Henry.” 

 

Emma’s hand sneaks towards the left over cookies, and Regina slaps her hand away. “Oh?” Emma asks, pouting. “Well, what is it then?” 

 

Regina grimaces. “Well….As an Evil Queen- I would-  _ ahem-  _ I would kill a lot of people.” 

 

Emma nods, and her playful expression disappears. “So you think he’s afraid you're going to kill some more...men?” 

 

Regina shrugs. “That’s the only thing I can really consider at the moment. The other scenario is that he’s freaking out about me dating.” 

 

Emma’s serious expression disappears. “Regina, sometimes you really kick yourself up about nothing.” 

 

“I do?” A startled expression crosses her face. 

 

“Of  _ course _ it’s about your romantic life. He knows you’ve changed.” 

 

Regina’s expression smoothes out, and she looks relieved. “Ah. I suppose that does makes more sense.” 

 

“Obviously.” Emma snorts slightly, and then as quick as lightning, stuffs a cookie in her mouth. “HAH!” Jeering, Emma does a little dance around the kitchen, before kissing Regina teasingly, mouth still full of cookie. 

 

“OH stop!” Regina says with a laugh, and pushes the blonde away. “Oh, ew,  _ Emma _ !” 

 

Emma gulps the rest of the treat down, and leans against the kitchen counter smugly. “I always win. Those cookies are mine!” She says with a playful chuckle, and reaches her hand towards the tray again. 

 

Regina just smirks and waves her hand, before Emma can reach them, sending the rest of the cookies away. Ignoring Emma’s stricken look at the place where the platter of biscuits had previously rested, she continues.  “I just don’t really understand. Why is Henry on a warpath regarding my romantic life?” She shakes her head. “As far as he knows, I haven’t been on a date for a year and a half.” 

 

“Good thing his rule doesn’t include me.” Emma says with a laugh. “Hey, since we aren’t telling Henry, I assume we aren’t telling my parents?” 

  
“If we did, Snow would have to keep a secret, which we all know she is  _ incapable  _ of.” 

 

“True true.” Emma muses. “This sucks.” 

  
“Yes it does dear. But on the bright side, we won’t have to face any indignant mobs with pitchforks yet that will think I have bewitched you.” 

 

“I like this positive Regina.” 

 

“Redemption brought out the sappy side in me, what can I say?” 

 

**************

 

Regina expects that Henry will eventually sort out whatever it is he has going on, but it seems he is determined. The next morning, he stares at her with venom. 

 

“Why are you wearing that?” He says with disgust, and Regina self-consciously pats down her purple dress, which happens to be one of Emma’s favorites. 

 

“I like it?” Regina says, giving her son an odd look. 

 

“Well it shows off far too much of your  _ decolletage.”  _ Henry says with a horrified sniff, and Regina snorts, trying to contain her laughter _.  _

 

“Henry, why are you calling my cleavage a decolletage?” She asks, amused. 

 

Henry’s face turns mortified. “I just- I thought that- I looked it up and-” 

 

“You looked it up?” Now it’s Regina’s turn to look mortified. “Henry, do I have to put the parental locks back on your computer?” 

 

“NO!” Henry bursts out. “No, Mom, no I- I- I looked up words for-” He gestures to his chest. “And I thought that was the polite way of saying it.” 

 

Regina has to laugh. Looking at her son’s bright red face, she starts chuckling. “Oh Henry. Just call it a cleavage. It’s not a dirty word.” 

 

“Yes it is. For m-my mom it is.” Henry says, stoutly. “I will not- I was just giving you advice, Mom.” Then he flushes again, stares at the wall behind her, and refuses to speak until they arrive at school. 

 

“Funny thing happened this morning.” Regina says, later on that day. “Henry tried to tell me that my dress was too low. He was rather opposed to it. Saying that it showed too much of my- how did he put it again? Oh yes, my  _ decolletage.”  _

  
Emma looks up from where she is lounging on the sofa, in Regina’s office doing paperwork. “I love that dress.” Then she giggles. “So basically Henry was trying to tell you that you looked-” 

 

“Slutty.” Regina says, her mouth twisting in distaste. “Do I?” 

 

“No, no no.” Emma hurries to reassure her. “You so do not.” 

 

“It was a bit- it was Henry. I just wish he would tell me what’s going on.” Regina says a touch morosely. “I think he has some sort of operation going on.” 

 

“Operation insult-my-mother’s-outfits?” Emma asks. “I think I already called dibs on that one with Snow.” 

  
Regina smirks. “It’s amazing that you bad mouth your own mother to make me feel better.” 

  
“Anything for you, Regina.” Emma says, and blows her a kiss. 

 

***********

  
  


“Stop staring at my Mom!” 

 

Regina whips around, and finds Henry, staring at Leroy with such venom that she is taken aback. They are currently standing in the supermarket, and Regina is picking out some pasta when she hears her son begin to yell at Leroy. 

 

“Henry!” Rushing over to where Leroy is shuffling his feet, and looking very embarrassed, she shakes her head. “I’m sorry, Leroy, I don’t know what’s come over Henry.” She directs the last part of her sentence at her son, sternly, but it has no effect, and he continues to stare at the man. 

 

“I wasn’t-” Leroy begins, but Henry cuts him off. 

 

“You were staring at her! Don’t!” Henry says, angrily, and giving one last warning glare, takes Regina’s hand, and pushes him behind her. “Stay back. They’re  _ everywhere.”  _ He hisses, and attempts to shield his mother from the numerous of curious shoppers.    
  
“Henry, what’s going on?” Regina asks, and tries to face her son. However, Henry won’t allow this, and continues to glare at the different people at the aisle, as he face his back towards his mother, and slowly moves them back to the shopping cart. 

 

“I’m protecting you from prying eyes.” Henry says, determinedly. “No more men for you, Mom.” 

  
“That’s my decision, don’t you think?” However, Henry doesn’t reply, and instead takes the shopping cart, pushing it forward and glancing suspiciously around. 

  
“Oh no.” He gulps, once they’ve made it out of the aisle. “Oh no.” 

 

Regina follow his gaze, to where Nicholas Zimmer is making his way over, from the pastry aisle. “Mom, I think we should go.” 

 

“Nonsense, Henry, he’s your friend.” Regina chides (but also this would be a useful opportunity to find out why Henry has been acting so odd.) 

 

“Hey Henry.” Nick says cheerfully, and then turns beet red. “H-h-hi Ms. Mills.” 

  
“Hey.” Henry mumbles. 

 

“Hi Nick.” Regina says, giving the boy a kind smile. “How are you?” 

  
“Great! Can I talk to Henry for a second?” 

 

Henry gives her a pleading look, but Regina ignores it. “Of course. I’ll just-” She gestures, and walks briskly away, and behind the other aisle. There, she can hear everything. 

 

“Henry.” She hears Nick hiss. “Henry, God, it’s not that big of a deal.” 

  
“Yes it is!” Henry says, his own tone urgent. “That’s my mom you guys were talking about. Did you think I want to hear that?” 

 

“Jeez, we didn’t think you’d be so- so weird about it.” 

  
“It’s just that you guys talked about  _ everything.  _ And now everywhere I look I think someone’s going to jump her or something!” 

 

“Just because we said she’s a MILF, doesn’t mean anyone’s forgotten she’s also an ex-Evil Queen.” Nick says, and there is amusement in his tone. “Look, Henry, I’m sorry. I guess we just forgot that-” 

 

“That she was my mom?” Henry hisses. “Yeah I got that. But for now,  _ stay away.”  _ He says and Regina peers through a crack in the boxes, and sees Henry gazing thornily at Nick. “I won’t allow anyone else to hurt her, not if all they see her as is some stupid acronym that you guys have come up with.” 

 

“I didn’t come up with it, Henry, it’s a common word.” 

  
“Whatever.” Henry says sulkily, and begins to stalk away. “And don’t you dare bring up what you said about my other mom!” He yells, and then walks towards Regina, who started to busy herself with the cake batter boxes in the other aisle. 

 

“What do you think, Henry, cinnamon swirl, or red velvet?” She asks her son warmly. 

 

They walk out of the supermarket, and externally, Regina keeps up a facade. Her mind, however, is whirling with curiosity, and also the slightest bit of trepidation. 

 

_ What on earth is a MILF?  _

 

*************

 

“I think I know what’s going on with Henry.” Regina announces, and Emma walks into the living room at the mansion. It’s colder, that day, so a fire is roaring, and Regina places a mug of hot chocolate on the living room table, for Emma. 

 

“Really?” Emma says, and shoots her a grin. “Did some snooping, did you?” 

 

“Of course.” Regina replies, snorting. “I’m his mother.” 

 

“I respect his privacy.” Emma says smugly. “I believe that every fourteen year old boy needs the respect of privacy that he deserves, especially at such a young and sensitive age-” 

  
“Oh please.” Regina says, eyebrows raised. “Yesterday you practically ransacked his room because you were convinced he was hiding the rest of the lasagna I made the other day.” 

 

“Well, he was!” 

 

“Only because you hid his journal from him, and would only give it back to him if he told you what Ruby was planning for your birthday.” 

 

“Okay.” Emma concedes. “Fine. I do not respect his privacy as much as I should. What did you find out?” 

 

Regina wrinkles her nose, and crosses over to the sofa, where she sits with a huff. Emma plonks down beside her, puts her feet up on the table. “Feet down, Emma.” 

 

“Fine.” Emma says, grudgingly putting her feet on the ground. 

 

“Anyway, he was a bit unhappy with Nick.” 

 

“Oooo drama, huh?” Emma’s eyes sparkle. “What’s the gossip?” 

 

“Well, apparently Nick and his friends were talking about…” Regina’s face drops slightly. “About me. And they called me a MILF.” 

 

Emma’s mouth drops. “Damn, they are around that age I suppose.” She murmurs. 

 

Regina panics slightly. “What does it mean? Because then Henry said that now he was afraid that people would jump me at every turn.  Are they planning on doing something to me because I was the Evil Queen- and that’s why Henry is afraid?” 

 

“No, Regina-” Emma looks like she’s trying hard to stifle her laughter. “Calm down.” 

 

“How can I?” Regina practically screeches. “My son might be burdened with the weight of my past crimes, and that he feels he needs to protect me!” 

 

“Really it’s not that big of a-” 

 

“So what does MILF stand for, then?” Regina says with a snarl. “Murderous…..Imp….Loving Fiend? Because, let me tell you, despite what my evil half did with Rumple, I am no Imp lover!” 

 

With that, Emma bursts out into laughter. Regina watches her, aghast at the fact that Emma would laugh in such a serious situation. “Emma? Why- why are you laughing?” 

 

But Emma doesn’t answer, and instead continues to clutch her stomach, chuckling. “Oh god- Regina.” She says with a snort. “Oh jeez.” 

 

Regina huffs. “Emma Swan you tell me why you are laughing right now or I swear that you will never get another piece of lasagna-” 

 

“Okay okay!” Emma places placating hands on Regina’s shoulders. “No need to be hasty, Gina.” 

 

“Don’t call me Gina.” 

 

“Fine.” Emma pouts. “But you call me Em.” 

 

“Only when I’m tired.” Regina says with a sniff. “Now, tell me, my dear, or I will be very-” 

 

“Yes, yes okay. MILF doesn’t stand for- for Murderous Imp Loving Fiend.” Emma snorts again, but then calms down. “It….it stands for Mother I’d Like to Fuck.” 

 

Regina opens her mouth, and then closes it with a snap. She sits, very still, and Emma waves a hand in front of her face. “Regina? You okay?” 

 

“I see.” Regina says, eerily serene. “And I thought my days of being objectified were over.” 

  
Emma’s face drops. “Don’t say that.” She says, and pulls Regina into a hug. Regina rests her head on Emma’s shoulder, and dropping a kiss onto her hair, Emma continues. “It’s stupid, but they’re kids. And...well they aren’t the only ones that think you’re attractive. Even the people who still hold a grudge against you can’t deny that you’re- well- hot. And of course, then there’s me...” 

 

“Well I obviously know you do.” Regina says, rolling her eyes. “You made that very clear from the moment we met, Miss-eye-sex.” 

 

“Hey! That was consensual eye sex, if I remember correctly. And let’s not forget that whole ‘taste my forbidden fruit’ thing.” 

 

“Oh my god.” Regina’s face is horrified. “Jefferson told you?” 

 

Emma smirks. “He told me the minute after the curse broke and he got me alone. Regina, he wanted revenge. What did you think would happen? And- god- why would you ever say something like that in front of him?” 

 

Regina grumbles. “I’d forgotten he was there. And the pun came to my mind and it was just-” 

 

“Perfect.” Emma says with a laugh. “Yeah, I got that one.” 

 

“Poor Henry.” Regina says with a sigh. “I mean if anyone had ever talked about my mother that way-” 

 

“No offense, Regina, but you’ve done the whole redemption thing. Cora, on the other hand...well let’s just say that not even Whale would dare talk about her that way.” 

 

“True.” 

 

They sit there in silence, for a moment, and the fire crackles away. Emma puts her feet up on the sofa, and the two sit there, cuddled into each other, and enjoying the moment. However, Regina’s face is creased in thought. 

 

“So, what do we do?” 

 

Emma sighs, nibbles her lip. “Er- well. It’s a bit of an awkward subject to bring up with our son, don’t you think?” 

 

Regina grabs a pillow, placing it in her lap, and squeezes her finger along the lining. “Yes I suppose.” She murmurs, and traces the circle shaped pattern on the pillow. “But this can’t go on.” 

  
“Why? Is it so bad that Henry feels protective about you?” 

 

“His exact words were, I think, ‘I’m afraid someone’s going to jump her’. And the other day he gave his own  _ grandfather  _ a glare after Charming helped me out of the car, and then proceeded to brush by him while whispering, ‘I’m onto you, Gramps.’ I think we need to talk to him.”

 

Emma nods, and then sighs. “Alright, I have an idea.” 

 

“Well that’s a novelty.” 

 

Rolling her eyes at Regina’s jibe, Emma continues. “The one way that Henry will actually stop this, is if he knows you're safe from the ‘threat of men’, or whatever he said the other day in an explanation of his behaviour. If we tell him about us, he’ll stop.” 

 

Regina taps a finger to her lip, and then agrees. “That sounds like a good idea.” A slow grin inches across her face. “It would be nice to finally be able to eat dinner at a restaurant together other than Grannys.” 

 

“And hold hands together on the street without anyone asking us if we got stuck together with a magical curse.” 

 

“Or have to explain the fact that the reason your lipstick is all over my face is because I was trying it on and I’m not very good at applying it.” 

 

Regina looks at the blonde fondly. “It’ll be...nice.” 

 

“Sure it will.” Emma says, and then raises an eyebrow. “By the way, if the whole MILF thing is bothering you, I can always go and have a chat with those boys.” 

 

Regina snorts and waves a hand. “No, it’s fine. I am under no illusion that Henry is any different when it comes to other women, despite the fact that I have tried to drill into his head that one must always treat women with respect.” 

 

“He’s a teenager. Of course….” Emma grimaces. “He’s at that age.” Emma says with a shrug. “It just makes sense that he’d be annoyed about his friends calling you a MILF. But- with his reaction being so extreme? There’s something more to that, then.” 

 

“It’s rather flattering, actually.” Regina muses. “Considering the fact that I cursed them all for twenty-eight years.” 

 

“Thinking about running off with someone else then?” Emma teases, and then hugs the brunette closer to her. “Never!” 

 

“Never.” Regina agrees, but with a more serious tone, and tucks her legs underneath her, curling up against Emma’s side, her small form fitting easily on the sofa. 

 

A slightly pink color rises to Emma’s cheeks, and she looks pleased at Regina’s agreement. “You’re my MILF.” She replies softly. 

 

************

The family dinner is a few days away, so Regina has to put up with Henry's schemes for a few more days. And unfortunately from her, his 'Operation No Dates For Mom' as the notebook that Regina finds in his room says, seems to work. 

 

Regina has never minded the appreciative stares she's received from the men or women that come into her office, and unless they become downright inappropriate, she's always used them to her advantage to get things done. However, that Friday, she notices an odd change. Every male visitor that enters her office keeps their head down, and eyes flicking around the room- anywhere but her. 

 

At first, Regina thinks it's her, that perhaps her lipstick is out of place, or her dress has created some sort of embarrassing fashion situation, but after numerous wardrobe changes and glances in the mirror, she deduces it _isn't_ her. But the curious behaviour continues, and it begins to get on Regina's nerves.  

 

"Alright, that's it." Regina says with a huff, after Albert Spencer, the ever insufferable pain in her ass doesn't even glance at her chest. "You, Mr. Spencer, without fail for the past thirty years have always stared at my breasts. I doubt you even know what my face looks like. And while that can be intensely annoying, and also very rude, you- not doing that right now- is also very worrying. What is going on?" 

 

Spencer, who deems in safe, raises his head to meet her, face to face- or rather- chest to face. "There is some odd...I think...." He grimaces, and then plunges his fist in his pocket. "Your secretary has been instructed, apparently, by your son, to hand this out to every male visitor." He hands her the thin pink flyer that he's holding, and curious, Regina inspects it. 

 

Then begins to laugh. 

 

In bold black letters, it proclaims: " **DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?"**

Reading further down, it says,  **WELL IF YOU DO, DON'T STARE AT MY MOM (THAT'S MAYOR MILLS TO YOU) OR ASK HER ON DATES. JUST STATE YOUR BUSINESS, HAND OVER WHATEVER YOU NEED TO HAND OVER, AND THEN GET THE HELL OUT!**

 

Regina can't help but chuckle at the utter Henry-ness of the flyer. The motivation, for this apparently very serious threat, is  **IF YOU DO NOT COMPLY YOU WILL FEEL THE WRATH OF THE EVIL QUEEN AND THE SAVIOUR/ FORMER DARK ONE'S SON WHO IS ALSO THE AUTHOR AND CAN THEREFORE WRITE YOU A VERY VERY CRAPPY STORY!**

 

"It's not very professional." Albert Spencer says with a sniff. "I would recommend removing this from the front office." 

 

Regina waves a hand. "Fine. I will speak with my son, and this will not happen again." 

 

The man nods, and after giving Regina another lecherous once over (which makes Regina feel quite ill and also slightly more in favour of Henry's pamphlets), he exits the room, leaving Regina to contemplate her often wildly intense son. 

 

"Oh Henry." She says with a sigh. Then, picking up her phone, she dials a well memorized number. "Emma? You won't believe what Henry just did." 

 

***********

 

 

Sunday night is family night- something that Regina has begrudgingly allowed the Charmings to become part of. At first it had just been her and Henry, once the curse had broken, as a way of seeing him while he was still living with Emma. Then Henry had moved back in and began spending weekends at Emma’s instead, Sundays became the days that she, Emma and Henry would all sit down and have a meal together. 

 

Naturally, the Charming's had become part of that because the word _family_ out of Regina’s mouth for Snow was the equivalent of Christmas, her birthday and Halloween all mashed together in one big word. Snow had pleaded Regina to be let into the family nights. Regina had been prepared to let Snow down gently- she enjoyed the time she got with Henry and Emma alone- but at the look that Emma tried to hide (one that spoke of never having a family night), she grudgingly invited Snow and Charming along. 

 

It had turned into a weekly occurrence, and, oddly enough, Regina looks forward to these dinners, in which the makeshift family that they’ve constructed comes together. 

 

Something that Snow will never ever know.

 

Ever. 

 

“Snow, Charming.” Regina greets as she steps through the doorway. “Is that burning lasagne I smell?” 

 

Snow’s welcoming smile immediately falls into a scowl. “No.” She grumbles. “It’s burning quiche.” 

 

Regina can’t help the nasty smile that spreads across her face. “My dear, this is why we should have the dinners at  _ my  _ place.” 

 

The other woman looks affronted. “But this is the gathering spot!” 

 

“The what?” 

 

“Where we meet! My home is the  _ gathering spot.  _ Where we all meet up if there’s an emergency, or a family crisis. My home is the  _ gathering spot. _ ” Snow replies, smugly. 

 

Regina’s eyes take on a competitive glimmer. “Oh, we’ll see about that, my dear. We shall see.” 

 

The two stare at each other for a moment, and Emma walks up behind the two, Henry by her side. “What’s going on?” She asks, noticing the intense glare that Regina and Snow are exchanging. “You two arguing about who's cooking is better again?” She sniffs the air. “Wait, Mom, did you burn  _ another  _ lasagne?” 

 

“Quiche.” Snow replies, eyes fixated on Regina. “I burned a quiche. But Granny’s on her way with take out, so don’t you worry.” 

 

“Okay.” Emma says, dubiously. “Whatever you say, Mom.” 

 

Zelena appears behind Emma, in a poof of green smoke, holding a gurgling Robyn. “Did I just hear someone agreeing with Snow White? Where’s the head injury and whose calling the ambulance?” 

  
“Har har.” Snow says, rolling her eyes sarcastically. “I thought snarky comments about me was Regina’s forte.” 

 

“Snow, snarkiness in general is my forte.” Zelena shoots back, and Robyn gurgles in her arms, sounding oddly like she’s cheering her mother on. 

 

Snow just sighs. “Why don’t you just come in.” 

 

Regina smiles, smugly, and walks into the apartment, the smell of burning quiche filling the room. Henry and Emma follow, Zelena hanging up her jacket behind them. 

 

Later that night, the family is sitting down at the table, their plates all filled with a burger ordered from Granny’s. 

 

“Absolutely wonderful, Snow.” Zelena says, a gleam in her eye. “I would try and compliment the chef of this fine piece of food, but then I’d have to walk all the way to Granny’s and it’s slightly cold.” 

 

Snow grips the burger in her hands tightly, and the rest of the table’s occupants all have to stifle a laugh as Snow’s face turns red and the burger is slowly squashed. “I get it okay?” She mutters. “But I am a great cook.” 

 

“Sure, when we aren’t around.” Emma mutters into her food, and Regina snorts, but disguises it into a cough as Snow glares at her. “What?” 

 

“Henry, be a dear and tell your mothers that I am a great cook.” Snow says, eyes still fixed on Regina and Emma who are snickering into their food. 

 

“Grandma’s a great cook.” Henry says, and then shoots his hand out as David reaches for the potatos. “No no no Grandpa, you don’t get to be so close to my Mom.” 

  
“She’s my daughter?” David asks quizzically, hand still outstretched for the potatoes which are by Emma and Regina. 

 

“My  _ other  _ mom.” Henry says, and eyeballs his grandfather. “Don’t think that I don’t know what you’re up to.” 

 

Regina’s expression turns alarmed, and she shoots a look at Emma, who clears her throat. “Right, actually- Regina and I have an announcement to make.” 

 

The entire table looks at the two, and Emma coughs. “Well- how do I put this. I- er - aminlovewithReginaandnowwe’redating.” 

 

“I’m sorry?” David says, and he looks rather bemused. “I don’t think I heard that correctly. Did you just say that- you were-  _ dating?”  _

  
Snow laughs. “Of course she didn’t David. You heard her wrong. She said- Emma what did you say?” 

 

Regina sighs. “Snow, your daughter and I are...in love.” 

 

Emma nods, and takes a deep breath. “Yeah. What Regina said. About the in love part. Except I'm in love with her. Not with myself, because that would be weirrd and also slightly vain and-” She babbles. 

 

"Emma shush." Regina says, holding a hand to the blonde's mouth. "Be quiet for a moment, they're processing." 

  
Snow's head is whipping back and forth between Emma and Regina. “No...that’s not- that’s not possible.” 

 

“Oh it’s very possible.” Regina says, and raises an eyebrow. 

 

There’s a pause, and then the entire table explodes into sound. 

  
“I KNEW IT!” Zelena roars, while Snow overlaps the witch’s statement with, “HOW DID I NOT KNOW?”

 

David continues to look confused, but it’s Henry, little (or not so little anymore) Henry who Regina and Emma focus on. “Henry?” Regina asks, hesitantly. “Are you...okay?” 

 

Henry is looking ahead, across the table at his two mothers, mouth open. “Y-y-you’re dating?” 

 

“Yeah kid.” Emma says with a smile, one that is directed at the woman beside her. “We’re dating.” 

 

Snow makes a choked sound at the back of her throat. “Oh my.” She says, and brings a hand up to her mouth. “They’re dating, David.” 

 

“W-w-what?” David asks, mouth still hanging open in shock. “I’m not quite registering this- can you just- repeat that?” 

 

“They’re dating, David.” Zelena says, cupping her hands in front of her face as though she were calling across a large space. “Dating. D-A-T-I-N-G. As in, romantically.” 

 

“I….I don’t understand?” David continues, dumbly. “How is this- how-” 

 

Zelena rolls her eyes. “David, the Evil Queen is doing your daughter. As in, sex, sex, sex, and more sex.” 

  
“ZELENA!” The other woman on the table all shout at the same time. Henry just grimaces, and covers his ears. 

 

“Oh.” David nods. “I get it. The Evil Queen is doing my-  _ doing my daughter?”  _ He goes white again, and Zelena sighs. 

 

“Looks like he needs a few more days to process this, then.” 

 

“For how long?” Henry asks, quietly. 

 

This stops the conversation on the table. “Yeah.” Snow asks, and her face is defiant. “How long have you two been-” She makes a motion with her hands. “Doing whatever it is you’ve been doing?” 

 

“Er- four months on Tuesday.” Emma replies, and in a seemingly natural gesture, reaches her hand towards Regina’s. 

 

Only to be blocked by a yell from Henry, along with a karate chop that hits Emma right on the stretching hand. “OWwww, kid, what the hell?” Emma yelps, shaking her hand. “What was that for?” 

 

Henry is glaring at her. “You don’t get to treat my mom- like that!” 

 

Regina looks shocked, and exchanges a nervous glance with Emma. “If you’ll excuse us.” She says to a bemused Snow. “We’re just going to-” She waves her hand, and the trio is enveloped in purple mist. 

 

When it clears, they are back in the mansion. “Okay, Henry, what’s going on?” Regina asks, sternly. “You’ve been acting like this all week long. Is this because of the whole MILF thing?” 

 

Henry’s face whitens. “How did you know about that?” 

 

Emma rolls her eyes, still holding her hand. “She’s the Evil Queen, you doofus, she’s like, the master of all snooping.” 

 

“I didn’t realise that was the definition of evil.” Regina grumbles. “I would have thought that was the definition of Mom.” 

 

Henry shakes his head. “Mom, I’m just worried, that’s all. You’ve had a pretty crappy lot when it comes to guys-” He eyes Emma. “And now I’m guessing girls. So yeah, I’ve been trying to protect you from all that.” He crosses his arms in a defensive gesture. 

 

“Oh, Henry.” Regina’s face softens, and she reaches forward for her son, grabbing his hand. “You don’t have to worry about me. I can take care of myself.” 

 

“And I can take care of her when she’s- well- nope she can pretty much take care of herself.” Emma shrugs. “Apart from when there’s a vortex of evil surrounding her, then I can help.” 

 

“Henry I don’t want you to feel that you have to protect me from people.” Regina says with a chuckle. “Especially not Emma.” 

 

“Or David.” Emma pipes in, a disgusted look crossing her face. “Really kid? The guy’s practically a walking ad for True Love.” 

 

Henry slumps down on a sofa, his long legs stretched out in front of him. “Sorry. I was just...worried. Ever since Robin, you've been so sad. Well, not anymore, I guess, but when I heard the guys call you a MILF...I just got afraid that someone would break your heart or something.” He mumbles, and Regina sits down next to him, pressing a kiss to his hair. "I...I just want you to be happy." 

 

"I am." Regina says softly. "We can all be happy, Henry. You, me and Emma." 

 

"You mean that?" Henry says, and looks at the pair shyly. "Sort of...like a family?" 

 

"Sure kid." Emma says with a chuckle. "We were a family before, but now we can be a different one." 

 

“And if anyone ever calls me a MILF to my face, I’ll let you know.” Regina adds.

 

Henry makes a face. “I just didn’t realise that you were so….popular….as the Evil Queen.” 

 

Regina shifts, slightly uncomfortable. “Yes, well I never intended you to find out.” 

 

There’s a pause, and Henry relaxes, Emma crossing the distance between her and the pair with a few strides. “So...you're cool with all this then?” 

 

Henry looks up, and his lips twist into a smile. “Yeah.” He admits, softly. Then his eyes harden. “But Emma, if you ever hurt her, I will destroy you if it’s the last thing I do.” 

 

Regina looks delighted. “Hey, looks like my catchphrase is a family thing!” 

 

Snorting, Emma grins at Henry. “So, was I...perhaps referred to as a MILF? I mean, not to brag or anything, but I am quite-” She flexes her arms. “Quite MILF material.” 

 

Henry groans. “I’m headed back to the apartment for the rest of my burger.” He jumps off the sofa, and walks out, leaving a pouting Emma.    
  
“But Henry!” She calls after him. “I wanna know!” 

 

**********

_ Two days later  _

 

“Wait, THEY’RE DATING?” 

 

“Yes David, they’re dating.” 

 

 

THE END 

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so I hope you enjoyed this! I couldn't figure out how to end this so....David finally realising that his daughter is dating the Evil Queen was my little way around my tired brain not cooperating;)


End file.
